i gotta cry + vent ... (long)

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Posted by iZ's mom on May 17, 2000 at 00:55:05:

i wish igs didn't have to act so tough + macho and would just let us know *as soon* as they feel the teeniest bit bad ... but nooooooooooooooo ...

iZ continues to make me insane, trying to decipher his symptoms, his actions, his everything! i just don't know ...

he's decided to add a *new* kind of lesion ... like 2 wasn't enough! now there is a *bright blue* splotch on his head + the affected scales just look blechy ... (pardon the medical jargon) ... he's been on meds for 4 days cuz of the other lesions, so this new one has really thrown me for a loop ... started him on Baytril tonight ... he's been thru so much + he still takes all his damn medicine so good ...

he was way too quiet tonight ... like he's depressed ... his breathing is just funny ... his appetite has been ok, kinda up + down, but he's looking skinny again ... couldn't bring myself to weigh him, scared what it'll say ... his shed is stuck really bad ... again ... the big scales on his legs are starting to curve up ... his dewlap is swollen again ... damn! a month ago i was so thrilled to see that all his scales and his dewlap had *finally* gotten back to normal ...

all that's missing now is the excess thirst and the swollen kidneys ...

the worst part is that i can never tell if i'm over-reacting, seeing things as worse than what they really are ... tomorrow i'll go up + he'll be bouncing around his room, acting just fine and i'll think 'yep, i really am imagining it' ... then i read all that i just wrote about his symptoms and i think what's the question??? of course he's sick! nah ... he's just breathing funny cuz he's tired ...

i don't know what to do ... i'm terrifed he's gonna get as sick as he was last winter again ... and i don't want to put him thru it again ... i don't want to prolong his suffering, if he is suffering ...

my biggest fear used to be that i was gonna lose him ... now, i wish he'd go ahead + go to the Rainbow Bridge if it's time ... now, my biggest fear is that he's gonna die by himself, when i'm not here ... and i lay on the couch with him stretched out the length of my body and just prayed for him to die easy + not suffer + to please be in my arms when the time comes ... and i feel awful for praying for him to die ... but i just don't know if i'm helping him or if i'm prolonging suffering ... it's eating me up ...

so why don't i take him to the doctor?! cuz i don't want him to go to the hospital anymore ... kinda like a Do Not Rescusitate order for a terminally ill patient ... no more surgery ... no more biopsies ... no more x-rays ... no more blood draws ... no more needles stuck in him ... i missed my chance to take him to the doctor when he first got the infection + i didn't know it ... and that's what's gonna kill him ...

and dammit ... i'm gonna wake up tomorrow and think man, i was really wacked last night when i wrote all that, he's fine! i'm 2nd guessing him to death + me to insanity ... i want it to be done ... and that's the worst feeling of all ...

sorry for dumping on everyone ... but i've just needed to for so long ...

Follow Ups:

Re: i gotta cry + vent ... (long) cirsisue 05/17/00 (0)
{{{{{{{{{{{Bon + iZ}}}}}}}}}}}} (more) Jamie/JBug 05/17/00 (0)
Re: Speechless :o( Ally's Mom 05/17/00 (0)
I am truly sorry. Linda 05/17/00 (0)
Re: i gotta cry + vent ... (long) Debbie2 05/17/00 (0)
Kleenex Iguanamomma 05/17/00 (0)
Re: i gotta cry + vent ... (long) xta 05/17/00 (0)
I've just come from where you are (long) T and Q 05/17/00 (0)
So sorry Iz is not feeling well...(more) grendel 05/17/00 (1)
- I couldn't have said it better myself... Dishy 05/17/00 (0)
Re: {{{{{IZ's MOM}}}}} Sue2 05/17/00 (0)
It's been a long hard battle and you love your iZ baby....... (more) Thumper 05/17/00 (0)

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: : i wish igs didn't have to act so tough + macho and would just let us know *as soon* as they feel the teeniest bit bad ... but nooooooooooooooo ... : iZ continues to make me insane, trying to decipher his symptoms, his actions, his everything! i just don't know ... : he's decided to add a *new* kind of lesion ... like 2 wasn't enough! now there is a *bright blue* splotch on his head + the affected scales just look blechy ... (pardon the medical jargon) ... he's been on meds for 4 days cuz of the other lesions, so this new one has really thrown me for a loop ... started him on Baytril tonight ... he's been thru so much + he still takes all his damn medicine so good ... : he was way too quiet tonight ... like he's depressed ... his breathing is just funny ... his appetite has been ok, kinda up + down, but he's looking skinny again ... couldn't bring myself to weigh him, scared what it'll say ... his shed is stuck really bad ... again ... the big scales on his legs are starting to curve up ... his dewlap is swollen again ... damn! a month ago i was so thrilled to see that all his scales and his dewlap had *finally* gotten back to normal ... : all that's missing now is the excess thirst and the swollen kidneys ... : the worst part is that i can never tell if i'm over-reacting, seeing things as worse than what they really are ... tomorrow i'll go up + he'll be bouncing around his room, acting just fine and i'll think 'yep, i really am imagining it' ... then i read all that i just wrote about his symptoms and i think what's the question??? of course he's sick! nah ... he's just breathing funny cuz he's tired ... : i don't know what to do ... i'm terrifed he's gonna get as sick as he was last winter again ... and i don't want to put him thru it again ... i don't want to prolong his suffering, if he is suffering ... : my biggest fear used to be that i was gonna lose him ... now, i wish he'd go ahead + go to the Rainbow Bridge if it's time ... now, my biggest fear is that he's gonna die by himself, when i'm not here ... and i lay on the couch with him stretched out the length of my body and just prayed for him to die easy + not suffer + to please be in my arms when the time comes ... and i feel awful for praying for him to die ... but i just don't know if i'm helping him or if i'm prolonging suffering ... it's eating me up ... : so why don't i take him to the doctor?! cuz i don't want him to go to the hospital anymore ... kinda like a Do Not Rescusitate order for a terminally ill patient ... no more surgery ... no more biopsies ... no more x-rays ... no more blood draws ... no more needles stuck in him ... i missed my chance to take him to the doctor when he first got the infection + i didn't know it ... and that's what's gonna kill him ... : and dammit ... i'm gonna wake up tomorrow and think man, i was really wacked last night when i wrote all that, he's fine! i'm 2nd guessing him to death + me to insanity ... i want it to be done ... and that's the worst feeling of all ... : sorry for dumping on everyone ... but i've just needed to for so long ...

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