I've just come from where you are (long)

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Posted by T and Q on May 17, 2000 at 09:46:33:

In Reply to: i gotta cry + vent ... (long) posted by iZ's mom on May 17, 2000 at 00:55:05:

I don't know which is harder, me writing this message or you reading it. While no one can know exactly how you feel, I believe I can come pretty close.

It is my sincere wish that iZ rebounds from his recent setback. He's done it before, and he may very well be able to do it again. He's alot like my Q in that respect. But like Q, and every other iguana we worship here, there will come a day when our green friends can rebound no more. I hope that day is not near for iZ, but when it does come I hope you can take some comfort in the lessons I've recently learned.

You are only to "blame" for one thing: giving iZ a great life. Any mistake you have ever made -- whether it was from misinformation, no information, not recognizing a potential problem, whatever -- is irrelevant, forgiven. Once you realized iZ was sick, you made every effort to make him well. And you did one heck of a job. Through research and treatment and sheer force of will, you have extended his life. I know the time since he took ill has been terrible, but hasn't it been wonderful, as well? Have you ever cherished iZ more?

I remember how I worried over Q, always looking to see if his symptoms were changing, worsening. Much of the time, my fears proved unfounded. In fact, in Q's case, it wasn't even his kidney damage that killed him. But when his end finally came, I knew. I wouldn't quite admit it to myself, but when I put him to bed that last night -- hoping the drugs would kick in -- I knew Q wouldn't wake up the next morning. I think Q knew that, too.

I certainly understand your DNR decision. I did the same, though not soon enough. Q spent one of his last nights in a vet hospital, on oxygen and an EKG. I am so thankful he didn't die that night, in an unfamiliar place among well-meaning strangers. It was so much better that he spent his last night in his own home, with me.

Like you, I worried that I wouldn't be with Q when he went, and I wasn't. He didn't want me to be. He only wanted to rest, and I had to respect that. I looked in on him often that last evening, and several times I wondered if he was gone. His breathing was so slow those last days -- he'd go a minute or more before taking his next nearly-imperceptible breath.

I worried about him suffering, but he didn't seem to. He just seemed incredibly quiet and tired, as if some natural mechanism designed to make his passing easy had been activated. I sure hope I'm right about that one.

I think I know how hard this is on you. As much as I cried after Q's death, I think I cried more before he was gone. The uncertainly, the worry, the fear was just so hard to deal with. As much as I miss Q now, and I miss him terribly, there is relief that our ordeal -- his and mine -- is over.

My best to you and iZ. I hope this morning finds him up to his old tricks, scarfing down his salad, sneaking onto the computer, and generally having a great time.

If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

T&Q

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: I don't know which is harder, me writing this message or you reading it. While no one can know exactly how you feel, I believe I can come pretty close. : It is my sincere wish that iZ rebounds from his recent setback. He's done it before, and he may very well be able to do it again. He's alot like my Q in that respect. But like Q, and every other iguana we worship here, there will come a day when our green friends can rebound no more. I hope that day is not near for iZ, but when it does come I hope you can take some comfort in the lessons I've recently learned. : You are only to "blame" for one thing: giving iZ a great life. Any mistake you have ever made -- whether it was from misinformation, no information, not recognizing a potential problem, whatever -- is irrelevant, forgiven. Once you realized iZ was sick, you made every effort to make him well. And you did one heck of a job. Through research and treatment and sheer force of will, you have extended his life. I know the time since he took ill has been terrible, but hasn't it been wonderful, as well? Have you ever cherished iZ more? : I remember how I worried over Q, always looking to see if his symptoms were changing, worsening. Much of the time, my fears proved unfounded. In fact, in Q's case, it wasn't even his kidney damage that killed him. But when his end finally came, I knew. I wouldn't quite admit it to myself, but when I put him to bed that last night -- hoping the drugs would kick in -- I knew Q wouldn't wake up the next morning. I think Q knew that, too. : I certainly understand your DNR decision. I did the same, though not soon enough. Q spent one of his last nights in a vet hospital, on oxygen and an EKG. I am so thankful he didn't die that night, in an unfamiliar place among well-meaning strangers. It was so much better that he spent his last night in his own home, with me. : Like you, I worried that I wouldn't be with Q when he went, and I wasn't. He didn't want me to be. He only wanted to rest, and I had to respect that. I looked in on him often that last evening, and several times I wondered if he was gone. His breathing was so slow those last days -- he'd go a minute or more before taking his next nearly-imperceptible breath. : I worried about him suffering, but he didn't seem to. He just seemed incredibly quiet and tired, as if some natural mechanism designed to make his passing easy had been activated. I sure hope I'm right about that one. : I think I know how hard this is on you. As much as I cried after Q's death, I think I cried more before he was gone. The uncertainly, the worry, the fear was just so hard to deal with. As much as I miss Q now, and I miss him terribly, there is relief that our ordeal -- his and mine -- is over. : My best to you and iZ. I hope this morning finds him up to his old tricks, scarfing down his salad, sneaking onto the computer, and generally having a great time. : If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. : T&Q : : : :

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