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Posted by xta on May 18, 2002 at 14:21:47:

In Reply to: hello ............... posted by iZ's mom on May 18, 2002 at 10:42:45:

: i really want to write to each + every one of you separately � but i have been trying to write this letter for a month now � ok, i've always been good at procrastinating, + this letter is way easier to put off writing than it is to write � so you see? not everything changes �

: some things have gotten a bit easier in the last month � other things ~ like finding the right words ~ have not �
: iZ + i met on feb. 18, 1998 ~ "our" birfday � 4 mo later when hubby + i bought my humon son a puter, iZ + i "went on-line"! i've known some of you since day 1 �

: it's been a long strange trip hasn't it?! *smile*

: those who know me, know that it is impossible for me to write a short post � and i've apologized SOOO many times for my rambling in the past ~ this time, no apologies ~ just deal with it � *sort of a smile here*

: *heavy sigh*

: to answer the question "would i/will i ever consider getting another ig?" � no � for lots + lots of reasons ~ i have never been a "herp" kinda person � 4 yrs later, even hubby is still amazed at how intensely iZ + i bonded � it goes without saying that no ig could ever take iZ's place in my heart, no one could hope to � + right now, it feel like it would be extremely unfair to another ig to have to live in dragonbaby's shadow � there's "real world" considerations as well ~ boring stuff like *my* health, finances, crap like that �

: but mostly, i think the answer to "would i/will i ever consider getting another ig?" is that i never had an ig ~ i had iZ �

: i don't know if i will stay "active" on the forums/lists that i've been on for so long � i've been lurking + i'll continue to do that + we'll see �

: funny ~ i didn't realize what a HUGE part of my life all of this was! especially since i had to quit working last fall ~ iZ + ig-people became my entire world � it's not just iZ that i'm grieving, it's being "iZ's mom" � i don't know WHO i am if i'm not "iZ's mom" �

: *tears*

: *sigh*

: over the years, i have cried so very many tears when other people have lost their beloved ig � for some reason, i thought i was the only one who did that ~ all of your tears for iZ continues to blow me away in amazement �
: and i have always hated + dreaded trying to find words for the ig-parent, knowing that there are no magic words � so what i really want to tell you all, is that i've realized that it is NOT the words themselves that help ~ it's that you took the time to write them that helps � every one of you managed to find "just the right thing to say" to me + hubby ~ from the beautiful tribute page to the note that simply said "*tears*" ~ each + every note has been a beautiful gift �

: thank you too, for reminding me of happier times!
: i had forgotten how iZ used to send flowers to his friends when they were sick � i'd forgotten how very important it was to him that his wings sprout once + for all � iridescent blue + green � (+ Cirsis didn't bother with HER wings once she had Sue1 properly trained to carry her on her royal pillow) �

: *teary smiles* � have been reading the dusty old Archives �

: i have always said that iZ has one heckuva powerful guardian angel watching over him � people used to think that it was "me" who was his angel ~ noooooo ~ it was just my ear that his angels whispered into is all �
: i truly believe that iZ's angel teamed up with *my* guardian angel and set a few things in motion ~ things that would help me to be "ok" after iZ left, things that if nothing else, would keep me busy + unable to just sit in a dark corner (the way i want to) � things like me *finally* saying "yes" when my d.i.l. asked me if i wanted a baby bunny � (she'd been asking me for 2+ yrs, ever since our 8yo Dwarf Satin "Bunster" died � dil raises mini-lops) � what possessed me to say yes the day after dragonbaby ended up in the Animal ER???
: and then me bun-sitting for dil's gravid bun when dil had to go out-of-state of a family emergency � and gravid bun had her litter 3 days early ~ the day before iZ left for the Bridge � so of course, the Bun family had to stay *here* so as not to upset mommy-bun even more �

: iZ has seen that there is a bumper crop of dandelions in my yard to feed the buns as well!
: omg, there has NEVER been such huge dandelions in my yard before, even at the end of summer, let alone the beginning of the season!?!? it's gotta be iZ + his angel! *smile*

: just found out last nite that they accepted the offer my son + dil made on their 1st house! there's LOTS of work that needs to be done to the house before they can move in and the lease runs out on their rental house june30 ~ not to mention the minor repairs THAT house will need after having 3 small humons in it � it's gonna be a busy + hectic summer � not to mention that the g-girls b-days are all within 3 wks of each other ~ Hannah turns 2yo today, Sara turns 4yo in 2 wks, + Kaetlyn turns 1yo in 3wks �

: i STILL find myself wandering aimlessly ~ around the house ~ around the yard � or i suddenly find myself sitting in the middle of the floor/yard, crying � i miss him so f'ing much � i wonder ~ if you cry long enough, can you make your own rainbows ��

: it helps to know that Bunster is there to play "speed-bump bunny" with and to throw greens on the floor for �
: it helps to know that he has friends like Cirsis, who were there to greet him + show him around + show him where the bestest nummies are �

: and, at the Bridge, EVERYTHING you eat *IS* good for you!!! there isn't anything to make your tummy hurt!!!

: i miss him!!

: i miss all the time we spent every day, without fail, in the bathroom, just him + me! you'd better be spurting blood or the house in flames before you dared to interrupt us during "Our Time"!!!!!

: i miss holding him � i miss feeling his face against my neck � i miss those elaborate, emphatic "don't you DARE!" shudderbobobobobbs � i miss the simple "love you" tongue flick/bob �

: so truthfully? no, i am NOT "ok" � but i have no regrets and with iZ as MY guardian dragon and all the other good things in my life ~ i WILL BE ok ~ just not right now �
: Life is managing to keep me busy ~ even if it is just wandering in circles ~ if i can get the gd lawnmower to start, i'm gonna wander in circles around the back yard cuz Hannah's b-day party is HERE tomorrow + i'd hate to lose her in the tall grass �

: i don't know if this is "good bye" or not � i really just don't know right now � i'm lurking for now �

: {{{hugs}}} + *headbobobbs*
: Bon. + iZ the dragon

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: : i really want to write to each + every one of you separately � but i have been trying to write this letter for a month now � ok, i've always been good at procrastinating, + this letter is way easier to put off writing than it is to write � so you see? not everything changes � : : some things have gotten a bit easier in the last month � other things ~ like finding the right words ~ have not � : : iZ + i met on feb. 18, 1998 ~ "our" birfday � 4 mo later when hubby + i bought my humon son a puter, iZ + i "went on-line"! i've known some of you since day 1 � : : it's been a long strange trip hasn't it?! *smile* : : those who know me, know that it is impossible for me to write a short post � and i've apologized SOOO many times for my rambling in the past ~ this time, no apologies ~ just deal with it � *sort of a smile here* : : *heavy sigh* : : to answer the question "would i/will i ever consider getting another ig?" � no � for lots + lots of reasons ~ i have never been a "herp" kinda person � 4 yrs later, even hubby is still amazed at how intensely iZ + i bonded � it goes without saying that no ig could ever take iZ's place in my heart, no one could hope to � + right now, it feel like it would be extremely unfair to another ig to have to live in dragonbaby's shadow � there's "real world" considerations as well ~ boring stuff like *my* health, finances, crap like that � : : but mostly, i think the answer to "would i/will i ever consider getting another ig?" is that i never had an ig ~ i had iZ � : : i don't know if i will stay "active" on the forums/lists that i've been on for so long � i've been lurking + i'll continue to do that + we'll see � : : funny ~ i didn't realize what a HUGE part of my life all of this was! especially since i had to quit working last fall ~ iZ + ig-people became my entire world � it's not just iZ that i'm grieving, it's being "iZ's mom" � i don't know WHO i am if i'm not "iZ's mom" � : : *tears* : : *sigh* : : over the years, i have cried so very many tears when other people have lost their beloved ig � for some reason, i thought i was the only one who did that ~ all of your tears for iZ continues to blow me away in amazement � : : and i have always hated + dreaded trying to find words for the ig-parent, knowing that there are no magic words � so what i really want to tell you all, is that i've realized that it is NOT the words themselves that help ~ it's that you took the time to write them that helps � every one of you managed to find "just the right thing to say" to me + hubby ~ from the beautiful tribute page to the note that simply said "*tears*" ~ each + every note has been a beautiful gift � : : thank you too, for reminding me of happier times! : : i had forgotten how iZ used to send flowers to his friends when they were sick � i'd forgotten how very important it was to him that his wings sprout once + for all � iridescent blue + green � (+ Cirsis didn't bother with HER wings once she had Sue1 properly trained to carry her on her royal pillow) � : : *teary smiles* � have been reading the dusty old Archives � : : i have always said that iZ has one heckuva powerful guardian angel watching over him � people used to think that it was "me" who was his angel ~ noooooo ~ it was just my ear that his angels whispered into is all � : : i truly believe that iZ's angel teamed up with *my* guardian angel and set a few things in motion ~ things that would help me to be "ok" after iZ left, things that if nothing else, would keep me busy + unable to just sit in a dark corner (the way i want to) � things like me *finally* saying "yes" when my d.i.l. asked me if i wanted a baby bunny � (she'd been asking me for 2+ yrs, ever since our 8yo Dwarf Satin "Bunster" died � dil raises mini-lops) � what possessed me to say yes the day after dragonbaby ended up in the Animal ER??? : : and then me bun-sitting for dil's gravid bun when dil had to go out-of-state of a family emergency � and gravid bun had her litter 3 days early ~ the day before iZ left for the Bridge � so of course, the Bun family had to stay *here* so as not to upset mommy-bun even more � : : iZ has seen that there is a bumper crop of dandelions in my yard to feed the buns as well! : : omg, there has NEVER been such huge dandelions in my yard before, even at the end of summer, let alone the beginning of the season!?!? it's gotta be iZ + his angel! *smile* : : just found out last nite that they accepted the offer my son + dil made on their 1st house! there's LOTS of work that needs to be done to the house before they can move in and the lease runs out on their rental house june30 ~ not to mention the minor repairs THAT house will need after having 3 small humons in it � it's gonna be a busy + hectic summer � not to mention that the g-girls b-days are all within 3 wks of each other ~ Hannah turns 2yo today, Sara turns 4yo in 2 wks, + Kaetlyn turns 1yo in 3wks � : : i STILL find myself wandering aimlessly ~ around the house ~ around the yard � or i suddenly find myself sitting in the middle of the floor/yard, crying � i miss him so f'ing much � i wonder ~ if you cry long enough, can you make your own rainbows �� : : it helps to know that Bunster is there to play "speed-bump bunny" with and to throw greens on the floor for � : : it helps to know that he has friends like Cirsis, who were there to greet him + show him around + show him where the bestest nummies are � : : and, at the Bridge, EVERYTHING you eat *IS* good for you!!! there isn't anything to make your tummy hurt!!! : : i miss him!! : : i miss all the time we spent every day, without fail, in the bathroom, just him + me! you'd better be spurting blood or the house in flames before you dared to interrupt us during "Our Time"!!!!! : : i miss holding him � i miss feeling his face against my neck � i miss those elaborate, emphatic "don't you DARE!" shudderbobobobobbs � i miss the simple "love you" tongue flick/bob � : : so truthfully? no, i am NOT "ok" � but i have no regrets and with iZ as MY guardian dragon and all the other good things in my life ~ i WILL BE ok ~ just not right now � : : Life is managing to keep me busy ~ even if it is just wandering in circles ~ if i can get the gd lawnmower to start, i'm gonna wander in circles around the back yard cuz Hannah's b-day party is HERE tomorrow + i'd hate to lose her in the tall grass � : : i don't know if this is "good bye" or not � i really just don't know right now � i'm lurking for now � : : {{{hugs}}} + *headbobobbs* : : Bon. + iZ the dragon

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