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A Bullsnakes Revenge

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Posted by Daryl Eby on September 25, 1997 at 00:25:44:

*** WARNING: This story contains graphic material and is intended for mature audiences. Parental supervision (or in this case, someone who can help you see past the tragic death of an innocent snake in order to laugh at the person who incurred his wrath) is suggested.***

My brother, Mike, (definitely not a snake lover) and a friend of his were on their way home from deer hunting on a warm Sunday morning. Upon sighting a large snake in the roadway, Mike swerved to miss him (don't thank him just yet!) then turned around for a closer look. The snake (a five foot bullsnake) was startled by the passing truck and formed a defensive coil.

Fascinated by the snake's loud hissing, my brother pulled closer, enticing the impressive creature to strike at his truck tire. Mike and his friend were impressed and may have considered leaving the snake in peace. The two burly deer hunters were accustomed to seeing snakes in the wild and had no reason to fear or harm this animal. However, the elderly couple that pulled up beside them was nearly hysterical at sighting such an aggressive looking animal. (If you've ever seen a pissed-off bullsnake, you know what I mean by "aggressive looking").

The frightened old woman sitting at the window nearest my brother calmed down long enough to make a desperate request. She had to repeat herself two or three times but Mike finally heard her say, "Please kill that snake!" Well, my parents raised us to respect our elders, and Mike never shared my love for snakes. So, unfortunately, he obliged the elderly woman.

Pulling forward slowly, Mike rolled his front tire closer to the coiled serpent. The snake began to hiss louder and struck repeatedly at the tire. He made no attempt to move away. The woman's fear faded into fascination as she watched the tire roll onto, then crush the snake's front coil. The snake began to writhe in agony and knotted up tightly in a final, desperate attempt to either pull loose or fortify his position. Feeling somewhat guilty (well, probably not, but he should have been!), Mike quickly rolled forward over the unfortunate animal.

The woman got what she wanted. But the snake got his revenge. Bullsnakes are well known for their defensive ploys. But this one made a final stand that would have made Custer proud. (An unfortunate simile since Custer was a dangerous, murderous "snake" that deserved to die and was killed only in self defense ... but I'll get off that soap box and continue with the story). Accepting the inevitability of his death, the snake must have realized who was to blame for his untimely demise and took aim (literally) to exact his revenge. Pointing his tail at the old woman, the snake seemed to gesture, "I'll teach you!"

The advancing truck tire compressed the snake like a tomato at a Galliger performance (you remember Galliger, he's the idiot that makes simpletons laugh by smashing produce with a sledgehammer). The pressure in the snake's lower body and tail finally reached critical mass. Just as the elderly woman sighed in satisfied relief, the defiant serpent relieved the growing pressure by exploding out through his cloacal opening ("asshole" for any Galliger fans).

The discharge of snake organs and feces found their mark. At last the woman had good reason to hate that "damned snake."

MORAL: Killing snakes doesn't require courage, but it may result in guts.

** Reprinting or redistribution of this story, in part or whole, is allowed only with the express written consent of the author, Daryl Eby. He can be contacted at

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